Mystic Spider
by Who Died of Ennui
Summary: Sibyl Trelawney has a great secret - and Hagrid is about to find out about it. Briefly. In this shocking story, all is revealed. Sort of. Er... [parody, incidentally.]


Mystic Spider  
  
It was winter in the mysteriously-located school of Hogwarts. Professor Trelawney, wearing an attrociously fluffy and sequined coat, was walking through the grounds towards the dwelling of Rubeus Hagrid, the groundskeeper and completor of strange small jobs there at the school.  
  
She mumbled to herself in a disturbed way: "Eh, 's bloody freezing out here... where did I put those bat wings? ... Damn, left the kettle on... I need to go to Gringott's soon... I hope I get my paycheck before I-- O, look at the pretty frost patterns!"  
  
Finally, she reached Hagrid's door. She knocked, waited, scratched her arm viciously, waited some more, and then irritably pushed the door open.  
  
"Ruby? Rubeus? Are you here?" she asked. "Eh, stop ignoring me. I told you already that I won't--"  
  
"What? Eh? Naow, Sibyl Trelawney, what a lurvly surprise!" The large man stepped out of the bathroom, looking startled and rather angry at the way his heavy accent was saying itself.  
  
"O, hello, Ruby! I came because you told me--"  
  
"I thought yeh said you--"  
  
"But I didn't do that with that skunk--"  
  
"A'right, a'right, I understand," said Hagrid. "But not again--"  
  
"Of course," interrupted Trelawney. "But--"  
  
"Eh, le's go fer a walk in that forest there," suggested Hagrid vaguely, gesturing towards the tall, dark Forbidden Forest behind his house.  
  
"Just what I was trying to say," said Trelawney, very relieved.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"A'right, good. Then let's go!" said Hagrid. He leapt out the door, looking very much like an overgrown cross between a lumberjack and a beaver, with a little bit of tree frog on its mother's mother's side.  
  
They walked out the door and into the Forest. After quite a long time, they came to a strange, heavily-treed placed.  
  
"Eh?" said Trelawney.  
  
"Yes, it is," answered Hagrid.  
  
Trelawney did not reply, but proceeded to jump up and down on one leg. The, she ripped her coat off, throwing it at Hagrid, who, naturally, dropped it. Then, she ripped her long, shimmering skirt off, and dropped it surruptitiously on the ground. Lastly, she dashed behing a tree, and, moments later, her fluffy blouse was flying through the air away from her.  
  
"Eh, dun't worr', she in't a stripp'r," Hagrid told the small rodents that were cowering nearby.  
  
Suddenly, Trelawney rushed back out. She was still wearing a small camisole and a pair of long underwear, but even with those, she was not a pretty sight; therefore, she shall not be described in that respect.  
  
"Hey, Hagrid, give that Potter kid a swift kick up the arse for me," she said. "That should fulfill my predictions of death for 'im."  
  
"Righto."  
  
Then, from somewhere around Trelawney's chest, a long, hairy arm unfolded, followed by three more.  
  
"I alwa's knew it," said Hagrid.  
  
Next, one of her newly revealed appendages reached towards her face, pulling at it until it came of and revealed another, hairier face, with a few venom-encrusted fangs and far too many eyes.  
  
"O, Trelawney, you are beautiful!" yelled Hagrid, his face alight with love for this awful-looking creature. "But aren't arachnids supposed to have eight legs?"  
  
No sooner had the words left his mouth had she reached, again, to tear off the false leg and arm models, revealing four more neatly folded hairy legs. These unfolded with a deliberate clicking noise. Finally, she stood up on all eights and fanged at Hagrid happily. Then she ran off through the forest, her cry of "Aragog! I'm baaaack, darling!" echoing briefly and then fading away.  
  
Hagrid stood there for a moment, enthralled by the meeting with this giant and hairy beast. Then, he turned and walked back towards his house, muttering, as he went along, "Gosh, abs'lutely spiffyspiffyspiffyspiffyspiffy, bally nice, yea, how lovely, what a nice spidie there, eh, yea..."  
  
The End 


End file.
